Friday, January 05, 2007

Come Closer

My sister bought a copy of Before Sunset that we watched two nights ago. It's already the third time that I've seen the movie, twice in the theater. I know it sounds mushy but it's one of my most favorite movies. It's like watching Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind and Casablanca (two other mega favorite romantic movies) with which I can totally empathize. With such a limited experience at romantic relationships, I can still somehow relate to these films' take on falling passionately in love, losing it, and trying to restore the romance.

Lately I've been thinking more often about when my love life would pick up again. I try to suppress these thoughts but somehow they always manage to creep into my mind. It's pretty frustrating.

Sometimes I wish I could just get over it and have more strength to keep away from these stupid thoughts. But alas, I'd be forever haunted by my (supposed) need to have someone to share my moments with in the most nurturing way.

I know I have this huge (and largely untapped) propensity to love. I wish I can dismiss it as a bout of emotional dependence, of the need to have someone to cling on to. At some point I have to accept that these are normal inclinations that I shouldn't deny my self of.

On the other hand, I'm not sure if I badly want a relationship. The worst reason to go looking for a boyfriend is that one is lonely or feels incomplete. I don't want to fall in that trap and make an ensuing bigger mess. But then, how would I know that I have the right reasons? How would I know that I'm ready?

Oh well. Maybe I'm over-thinking again. Maybe my fears are overruling me. Maybe I've not been honest to my self hence I can't get a firm stand on this dilemma. Or simply maybe love has its composite uncertainties that only the brave can dare face. Am I up for it?

Currently listening to Josh Groban's Closer. So gay.

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