For the longest time I seem to have a deep-seated resentment of my body. I've always been skinny for as long as I could remember. My most skinny period was in college when a heap of changes was dumped on me. This was coupled by a metabolism that was just way too fast for my own good (it comes with the age I suppose). I tried gaining weight at that that time by gorging on milk and pills of multivitamins but that simply did not work.
When I started working I found my self with enough extra cash to go to the gym. I sustained this for about three years. My initial goal then was not really on gaining weight as I had come to terms (sort of) with my body already although I was as skinny as ever. I was more concerned about my health; besides I thought the gym was a nice place to meet guys. Instead I met amazing, lifelong friends
Little by little people noticed that I was building some bulk. Disappointingly, my legs were skinny as ever no matter how hard I tried the calf exercises. I also began taking yoga lessons and swam twice a week. I was not however inclined to parading my new "buff" self. I even reached a point where I got very self-conscious with the attention I was getting.
In 2005, I stopped going to the gym for no apparent reason. I started reading Bryanboy's blog, who seem to be the biggest advocate for anorexia in this part of this world. I could not understand how I got swayed by his tenet of complete emaciation as the best look anyone can have. Nonetheless, I simply started avoiding carbohydrates and ventured into vegetarianism. Dabbling into weight loss coincided with a lot of changes I brought to my life. I moved to Manila, had a new job, and became semi-depressed in the process. Thus, the weight loss was very drastic and fast.
Several months into my first foray at losing weight, I looked at the mirror and found my self all bones and nothing else. Think hollow cheeks and ribs sticking out. Yuck noh? Mid last year, I started on an informal weight gain program. I simply stuffed my self to the brink of throwing up. I constantly checked my weight and hoped that I gained a few pounds. Ultimately I weighed a few pounds more from the effort. However, I realize that I developed a paunch in the process, which is the last thing on earth I'd want.
So a couple of months ago I went back to watching what I eat. I was a vegetarian once again, a lifestyle that I'm still struggling with until now. This apparently worked because I'm fast losing the paunch and at the same time I feel healthier having cut down on meat. I've also successfully reduced cola intake and all other junk food, which was quite easy because I never liked them anyway.
Currently I like my body better, a feeling that I've never had for quite some time now. I'd try to maintain the 145 lbs that I am right now. I have yet to reach my ideal weight yet though (ideal on the basis of a chart I found at the office clinic that says I have to weigh 155 lbs).
I realized I really should stop playing with my weight. It's purely insane, if not unhealthy. However, looking at its history, I seem to change my mind about how I should look on a seasonal basis. Who knows what new weight trends would emerge and whether it catches my fancy. God forbid rubenesque would come back.