Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Tinimbang Ka Ngunit Sobra

For the longest time I seem to have a deep-seated resentment of my body. I've always been skinny for as long as I could remember. My most skinny period was in college when a heap of changes was dumped on me. This was coupled by a metabolism that was just way too fast for my own good (it comes with the age I suppose). I tried gaining weight at that that time by gorging on milk and pills of multivitamins but that simply did not work.

When I started working I found my self with enough extra cash to go to the gym. I sustained this for about three years. My initial goal then was not really on gaining weight as I had come to terms (sort of) with my body already although I was as skinny as ever. I was more concerned about my health; besides I thought the gym was a nice place to meet guys. Instead I met amazing, lifelong friends

Little by little people noticed that I was building some bulk. Disappointingly, my legs were skinny as ever no matter how hard I tried the calf exercises. I also began taking yoga lessons and swam twice a week. I was not however inclined to parading my new "buff" self. I even reached a point where I got very self-conscious with the attention I was getting.

In 2005, I stopped going to the gym for no apparent reason. I started reading Bryanboy's blog, who seem to be the biggest advocate for anorexia in this part of this world. I could not understand how I got swayed by his tenet of complete emaciation as the best look anyone can have. Nonetheless, I simply started avoiding carbohydrates and ventured into vegetarianism. Dabbling into weight loss coincided with a lot of changes I brought to my life. I moved to Manila, had a new job, and became semi-depressed in the process. Thus, the weight loss was very drastic and fast.

Several months into my first foray at losing weight, I looked at the mirror and found my self all bones and nothing else. Think hollow cheeks and ribs sticking out. Yuck noh? Mid last year, I started on an informal weight gain program. I simply stuffed my self to the brink of throwing up. I constantly checked my weight and hoped that I gained a few pounds. Ultimately I weighed a few pounds more from the effort. However, I realize that I developed a paunch in the process, which is the last thing on earth I'd want.

So a couple of months ago I went back to watching what I eat. I was a vegetarian once again, a lifestyle that I'm still struggling with until now. This apparently worked because I'm fast losing the paunch and at the same time I feel healthier having cut down on meat. I've also successfully reduced cola intake and all other junk food, which was quite easy because I never liked them anyway.

Currently I like my body better, a feeling that I've never had for quite some time now. I'd try to maintain the 145 lbs that I am right now. I have yet to reach my ideal weight yet though (ideal on the basis of a chart I found at the office clinic that says I have to weigh 155 lbs).

I realized I really should stop playing with my weight. It's purely insane, if not unhealthy. However, looking at its history, I seem to change my mind about how I should look on a seasonal basis. Who knows what new weight trends would emerge and whether it catches my fancy. God forbid rubenesque would come back.


Kyle said...

Our minds and bodies are all one, not separate, and when we don't like our bodies they develop problems. It sounds like a cliché, but you have to love the body you are in in order to be able to make the most of it. And I think almost everyone can be in shape, even if they don't look like whom they find attractive.

kawadjan said...

i totally agree. loving one's body is a process and i'm getting there (hopefully). :) thanks again for mentioning me in your blog. :)

Ela Bona said...

I agree with what Kyle said Gi. You have to love your body. I don't think you're the "tabain" person. So just eat healthy. Don't be so conscious. Beauty comes in naturally, not by force.:-)


pat said...

if any of your weight-gaining schemes work, please let me know. i could use some tips as i'm ultra skinny myself. can u beat 110 lbs? Ü

rashidsmom said...

What is wrong with being rubenesque!??! It is the new black my dear.

:) comment made by an obese woman who loves her curves.

kawadjan said...

Ela, promise, i'd learn how to love my body WHEN i am perfect already. choz!

Pat, how did u reach 110 lbs? kainggit naman.

Sarah, everything's wrong about being rubenesque. i don't love your curves and neither do you. choz! so let's jog and yoga na til we drop.


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