Constipated

Around a week from now I'm going to take my Big Trip of 2009 (talagang capital letters, di ba?), one which I initially planned to do earlier this year. I'm trying to have at least one Big Trip annually, although ideally there should be at least two but since I'm not a bloody heiress nor the child of Thaksin, I can only afford one this year.

Anyway, the point of the Big Trip concept is to travel alone for about a couple of weeks. It has served as my "retreat" in previous occasions, and this time I think I'm doing it just at the right time.

For the past month or so, I've been going through some sort of emotional upheaval, although it's not anything grand or earth-shaking.

I don't know what the impetus was, but simply, I'm easily irritated of people in general. I'm annoyed of people's arrogance, of their selfishness, of their conceit. I'm outraged at how people can talk endlessly about their sorry assess. If only they would seriously listen to themselves and realize how annoying they are.

I thought it was going to be one of those fleeting moods brought about by hormonal imbalance (pregnancy or menopause anyone?). But the fractiousness has persisted for about a couple of months now.

Well, I don't have the audacity either to tell people to just shut the fuck up.

If I were better at articulating my feelings it'd be easier for me to just describe my mood lately or where it comes from. I'm so emotionally constipated I'm honestly annoyed at my self as well.

Perhaps, I'm annoyed at people because I don't feel like I was given the chance to talk about my feelings for a change.

The thing is, I do not like to explain my self. I've always thought I'd bore people whenever I do. Also, I've long thought that talking about my feelings would only make me appear vulnerable to other people. It's better to just wear a mask and divert attention from my self.

On the one hand, I rarely meet people who are genuinely interested in how I feel. I've always been afraid that nobody really understands me, even my closest friends, I'm sad to say.

On the other hand, if I don't express my self in the first place, absolutely no one would have an idea of my real emotions. So there, why I'm whining about not being understood at all?

Hmmm... so there, it's kinda weird (and I'm not sure if I'm making sense).

So where does this lead me? Perhaps because of a bit of pent-up emotions, I've withdrawn from people lately. Although they deserve some explanation at least, I've never really told my friends why; I just tell them I choose to be alone. Thankfully, my closest friends understand this and not until in this post did I confess.

(Honestly, I don't know why I'm writing this, pero punyeta pagbigyan nyo na ako, mga bading. Tse!)

Wow, writing about this actually helped. I have a good number of realizations from just reading what I wrote above. Cute!


***

So there, I deserve a break. I need to get away from all the noise I've sparked in my head. Which brings us to this Big Trip to set things in order, to sift through my thoughts, and hopefully to pacify my mind.

I've wanted to visit this place since I was a teenager and it's finally coming true. What did I tell you about dreams? Choz!!!

I began planning the trip late last month, a process that brought me a certain level of stress as well (but it's a fun kind of stress). You know me, I go frantic in planning my trips. I LOOOOVE planning. Buwahahaha. Fuck spontaneity. I prefer traveling efficiently.

For the past few weeks I've been poring the internet for travel trips and so on. Aside from the usual travel websites, I stumbled into many travel blogs, which enormously helped me in planning my trip. It's amazing how many people bother sharing travel tips, which I've always found way too tedious (i.e. what to see, getting there, where to eat/stay, etc.).

I feel like I'm leeching from other people's experiences though without giving back much to the community of travelers like my self. Therefore, I'm planning to write little travel guides of my future trips, starting with the one I'm taking in December.

I did not really intend to come up with a separate blog for that coz I only have about four trips a year. Instead, I'd incorporate my mini travel guides in this blog, and the posts shall be separate from the travel impressions and usual travel churvaloo and campiness I write here. This way, I'm hoping to return the favor to the "community" (whatever that means) who would one way or another stumble into my blog.