"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." -- Kate Moss

I've been keeping this secret for quite some time now, but I guess it's time to let my publique officially know: I'm now plus-size, which we all know is a euphemism for obese. Yes, I failed you all. I'm totally disgraced.

All my jeans and pants are just tight these past months. I first discovered this last September or so when I realized I can hardly breathe every time I wear some of my favorite pants. I thought I was just bloated and was hoping it was only a passing phase. I also thought my posture was not right, hence I tried tucking in my tummy, which of course leaves me even more breathless.

So when those two strategies did not work I changed my diet. I eat a heavy breakfast of muesli and soy milk in the morning, some lunch (which is not really much considering how minuscule food servings are in Thailand) together with loads of fruits, and then I grab a snack of whole wheat bread with peanut butter in the afternoon.

I see to it that dinner is not later than seven in the evening (ideally 6 pm) and I only eat a cup-full of nuts (almond, peanuts, squash seeds, cashew) and a glass of fresh fruit juice. I've sort of sworn off soda drinks as well, along with ice cream, cakes, bread, and all things supermodels don't eat. Ask Naomi...

And I exercise for about two hours, three times a week. The routine is twenty minutes of yoga, ten minutes of planks, twenty minutes of crunches, forty-five minutes of weights, push-ups and lunges, and then thirty minutes on the elliptical machine (I don't exactly know how that thing is called).

The latter bores me to death, I would not wish it on anyone, but I simply have to do it because it's the only decent cardio exercise I can do. Well aside from walking, which I do quite a lot of whenever I go to the mall (hahahaha... does that count?). Let's ask Natalia...

But to no avail really. Increasingly the pants just became tighter and tighter until I had to give up wearing nearly all of my pants, including the pekperk shorts I soooooo love wearing when prancing around the streets of BangCock.

If I have to wear some of my jeans, I open the top button whenever I sit down otherwise I'd asphyxiate to death. Also I'd get cramps on my legs coz I could hardly move them considering how tight they are in the thigh and crotch areas.

Replacing all the pants was a good excuse to shop. Gosh, I recoil in horror every time I have to fit a size 34 pair of pants instead of 31, my waistline ages ago. BUT, lemme note that I'm size 31 in Las Islas Filipinas. The inches in Thailand are obviously smaller than in The Third World; go figure how that happened! How about we ask Lara?

Which brings me to wonder, what's with the recent weight gain? Honestly, I don't think I'm gaining weight per se, you know. I'm still around the 65 kg range. And if I look at my self in photos my face is not exactly getting rounder, in fact, my cheeks are beautifully sunken as they always have been. So there, I'm not gaining weight, please lang.

My body's changing, simply put. Shades of Gemma Ward and Coco Rocha, chai mai? I can tell my thighs are getting more solid, I even have a hint of calves these days. And oh, my bums are not exactly as skinny as they used to be and my hips are, well, slightly wider. That suddenly makes me a Latina, no? Would Kate like it?

I blame it on age. You know, I cannot be 16 forever, can I? I don't enjoy the same metabolic rate that entitled me to mock anyone who does not have protruding clavicles. That's the harsh reality of life. Like I've heard many people say that their bodies changed considerably when they reached a certain age, and perhaps I'm reaching that phase. Gosh, that statement is going to give me nightmares in the coming days.

So anyway, I don't have the moral ascendancy anymore to lambaste my obese friends (and you bloody know who you are!). I'd be a hypocrite if I start talking about dieting, exercise, and all that shit. I had my time and now is my chance to relinquish the crown to younger and, well, skinnier bayots.

For the mean time, I'm ready for the backlash. Bring it on, bitches (*shakes head and buries face in palms*). Please be a bit kind, OK?