Miguel

I'm beginning to wonder... What's a "crush" and why is it called as such?

It's just a strange way to call attraction as CRUSH. It's like the ice for halo-halo. It brings images of squishing and grating. Ewww.

I went to Government last weekend with Japheth, my super fag friend from Surigao. For those who don't know what Government is, try searching it on Google using "government" , "gay" and "bar", and click mga pahina sa Pilipinas. Hahahaha. Most of the time I go to Bed in Malate (again search "bed", "gay", "bar" in Google) and it was my first time to go to Government, which is in Makati Avenue. I've never been very comfortable in gay bars. Most of the time fags have their cliques in these places so most people know everybody else. I was almost a complete stranger.

So I was fixed in one corner watching the whole flirting, prancing, and prowling going on. I was also struck by the cattiness that pervaded the whole place as one clique tried to size up another. Pagandahan ito neng. Pahabaan ng hair! I can definitely see a lot of raised eyebrows and wagging fingers.

The gods were in perfect shape of course. The gods are called as such because they deserve to be worshipped - stunning looks, gym-toned bodies, flawless skin (foundation day?). The fags are getting prettier and younger these days ha. Or I'm just getting older and uglier? The bloody voyeur that I am, I was more than pleased to observe all the action, which makes the whole experience pleasant, if not funny.

I was quite disturbed when two guys started kissing. Obviously they were in a relationship because they came in together. Anyway, two guys kissing is nothing suprising to me anymore. I've seen more than that of course. But the fact that the two guys I saw in Government were this __ close to me, I can practically feel all the passion that was going on between them. For christ's sake, I can even hear the sound that their kiss was making. It was not gross really, why should it be? Any kind of love is pure.

I said it was disturbing because I was awfully reminded of the things that I'm missing. Not having been in a relationship since McArthur returned to Leyte (wait, let me count... three long, bloody years) I feel so deprived of the joys of being in a relationship. I don't know when I got tired of trying to search for a partner. One day I just realized I'm happy being single, and I can say that with all honesty. Maybe until now.

At the back of my mind I still wonder how it would be like to be in a relationship again. I still have a nagging feeling that I'm missing a large part of life. I do have memories of being in love and it was certainly one of the best, exhilirating things I've experienced. Arrggh, I know I sound corny but bitches, honesty is the theme of the day (sabay blush).

Ok, to continue my rant... I don't understand why I still have my apprehensions. I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm uncomfortable making compromises. I have a hard time trusting anyone. I have serious commitment issues. But don't most people have commitment issues? They keep on loving nonetheless. Maybe love is a risk worth taking? Hmmm...

Which brings me to the main topic of this post... the crush. I have one (think of me in pa-demure mode, feeling dalagang Pilipina). Let's call him Miguel. He works near our apartment and I make every bloody excuse to go to the store that he manages, even if it's just buying milk or one of those fat-inducing things.

Basta, he is nice. I like him. I want him to be the father of my kids (hahahahaha!!! echoz lang, shet). I don't know when to make a move, if ever I can muster enough courage in the first place. I'm scared talaga. But then, I might one day look back and think what if I made a move when I still had the chance. I've let go of many opportunities before just because I'm a bloody coward. Maybe this is another of those cases. Hay.

Okay, tama na. I'm so super pa-girl na. I'll just shut up na lang. Yun lang.