In the past months my quest for a decent relationship had been loaded with wrong turns and dead ends. It's definitely frustrating. At 19 (wink, wink), I should've figured out the complexities of dating by now but that is not the case for me who, for quite some time, had been secluded from the mean world of, ehem, men. There's rejection, unmet commitments, and of course my predilection for drama. And oh, add to that, naïveté.
Last weekend, I found my self nearly falling to the temptation of being callous with other people's feelings. I thought it is the best way to play this twisted game. It might've been a knee-jerk reaction to the frustration. Maybe a self-defense mechanism as well? Who fucking knows?
I choose not to go that path at all even if I end up relentlessly battered by disappointments - either self-inflicted or not. If there's anything I learned, one cannot make other people pay for the so-called injuries others have brought on me. It's purely immature otherwise.
Moreover, I have to be more accountable for my own feelings. I've long known this and have applied such for most situations, except in dating. Ugh. I told a friend recently that my self esteem has plummeted several times over the past months. And what, over a string of failed dates? I can't be more mature than that, I bloody swear.
So let's just say that I'm in this epic journey of finding my place in this brutally agonizing universe of gay dating. Yes, epic kung epic it is. I can't be more excited to see where this goes.