Charotera't Payatolang Mermaid

Recently I renewed my pool membership, which means I've been seriously swimming for fitness for a year now. Just two days ago, for the first time I swam for 30 minutes straight, or a total of 22 laps in an Olympic-sized swimming pool. Not bad at all, considering my fitness level was practically zero when I started a year ago.

Also a year ago my goal was just to swim for 30 minutes without resting. I used to envy the other people in the pool who could do just that, and being a competitive person I worked hard to reach the same fitness level as the best people in the pool.

I chose swimming because it's the only sport I can bear. I don't enjoy it. Swimming is not fun. It's not supposed to be fun anyway. It's something I do because I need to.

Late 2010 I saw my hips growing wider, my waistline getting thicker, and my belly growing at a rapid rate. Oh, those were traumatic times. The worst I've EVER felt in my life! I decided to do something about it instead of using it as an excuse to buy new clothes.

Anyway, so I started swimming and strove hard to improve my technique. I watched Youtube videos and followed the tips on swimsmooth.com. I don't have a coach, so most of the time it's really trial and error for me.

I'd like to compare swimming to dancing. In both, it's important you have coordination, rhythm, and precision. You have to know when to breathe and how to position your head when doing so. You have to be mindful of hand to shoulder alignment and coordination. You have to know when to kick and rotate your body. Oh, so it's also like sex, no?

Apparently, there's no absolute perfect way to swim. We all have a way of finding our own rhythm and form according to our body type, temperament, and purpose. You have to find your own style, noting however its fundamentals (e.g. making your self as streamlined as possible).

Swimming is a way of looking inward and improving body awareness (something that yoga also teaches). Also, swimming for me is a meditation of sort. The sound of the water and my breathing have a calming effect and the more I swim uninterrupted the more relaxed I become.

But then I don't swim to relax, although sometimes I have lazy days when I prefer to swim slower. Most of the time, however, I swim like my life depends on it, focusing on speed and maintaining fluidity.

I get frustrated when I don't improve as much as I want to, which is often. I don't have a real motivation other than losing weight, but aside from that, I'm continuously pressured to do it perfectly, otherwise, what's the point, chai mai?

So did I eventually lose weight? Yes, absolutely yes. I don't have a swimmer's body (please, far from it), nonetheless, I have managed to keep my weight down, that's all that matters to me. Sure, I can always lose another 10 kilograms or something. But you know, at least now I can walk around Bangkok knowing I'm not as big as a tuktuk.

Oh, how can I discuss fitness without talking about dieting, no? I promised in the past that I wouldn't talk about food and such, but it's a new year (I made that promise in 2011, dahlings).

Well, I just want to talk about my diet here, after all my friends ask me about it, who knows who else is interested, di ba?

I only have two main rules in eating: eat the right food and eat at the right time.

My diet is basically this: I don't eat carbs, first and foremost. I eat a big breakfast of muesli at 9am so I don't get very hungry by lunchtime. For lunch I eat four servings of fruits (coconut and papaya). I eat four more servings of fruits (pineapple and watermelon) at  3pm. I eat a banana at 4pm. (Insert swimming here.) I eat a cup of peanuts and almonds at 6:30pm. And then nothing after that. Absolutely nothing. I have major hunger pangs before midnight, so I just drink chamomile tea. And then repeat the next day.

I also drink lots of water but not soda and fruit juices. I eat meat for dinner sometimes, but still no rice. Okay, I eat rice for lunch on weekends. I avoid beer and cocktails if I can, instead I drink crappy house wine at the bar.

This diet plan leaves me hungry like shit most of the time (that's why I'm almost always irritiable). But it's a kind of hunger that's satisfying at the same time.

Must-Watch: 'August' and 'Weekend'

Recently I saw two gay films I have been urging my friends to watch.

First there's August (2011), which tells the story of Troy who returns to LA in the hope of reviving his relationship with his ex-lover Jonathan. They had a summer affair that ended bitterly but Troy wants to give it a second chance. Jonathan, who is now involved with Raul, is at first resistant to Troy's moves but the temptation is a bit hard to resist.

One of the film's insights is that when lovers stray from their relationships, it's not always because they're inherently cheating pricks or that they mean to hurt their partners. Cheating may happen when a person allows things to spiral down from a series of whimsical decisions, sometimes just to quell a curiosity just like in Jonathan's case.



There's nothing ground-breaking about the film, but what's interesting is how some of the circumstances in the tangled relationships of the three main characters seem familiar to us through our friends or even through first-hand experiences.

It does not hurt of course that the actors in the movie are as hot as summer in August.

And then there's the much-hyped gay movie of 2011, Weekend. This is yet another familiar story of one-night stands among gay men. We've been all through that at one point or another.

What seemed like a single encounter flourished into a deeper connection between Russel and Glen as they explore their pasts and experiences as gay men. On the latter, they discuss a bit of the politics of being gay in modern Britain. In fact there's a lot of talking in the movie, which is why some people have called it the gay Before Sunset.

And just like in Before Sunset, Russel and Glen also grapple with the reality that their relationship is short-lived.  So there's a very subdued tension between them while they make the most of what little time they have.

The actors have exceptional chemistry, helped, ironically, by the contrasting personalities of their characters: Russel's pensiveness and Glen's detachment.

Again, there are no breakthroughs in this film, but it excels in treating a familiar subject with deeper sensitivity and complexity than most gay movies I've seen.



Good news is both films are now available for download.

A note to my 21-year-old self

Oh no, the last day of 2011. What a year for me! But I'm not going to look back on it in this post. I'd rather go back ten years ago when I was 21.

I've always thought of writing a "note to my XX-year-old self", so I chose to write to my 21-year-old self because 2001 was a pivotal year for me. For one, I graduated from university, hence, I entered the world of being a real adult. And most importantly, I lost my virginity when I was 21. Okay, okay, I'm a fucking late bloomer. Charot!

So what will I tell my 21-year-old self?

On life in general, I'd say: "Gurrrl, life is not always fair. Most of the time, in fact, life is just damn unfair. The sooner you accept that, the more at peace you'd be with life." Harsh, but true, chai mai?

On your goals: Keep them high, but also make the most of surprising opportunities. Don't be afraid to tweak your goals along the way; it's not a sign of failure, but it only means you can adapt.

On knowledge: Be hungry to learn new things. Read. Most of the time there's no practical reason for knowing these things except to exercise your mind, a worthy goal in itself. Travel. It costs a lot but you'd have a lifetime of memories.

On your skills: You'll never be a good singer. Focus on what you do well and keep on honing it because you can always be better. Also, learn new skills that you can be good at. But, again, you cannot sing.

On success: Don't feel entitled to success. You have to earn it. Work your ass off. You may not always have the results you want, but be proud of your efforts nonetheless, and be humble about your achievements.

On other people: Respect them all the time and they'd respect you back. Three words: empathize, empathize, empathize. Be mindful that everyone has a story.

On family: Continue loving them with all your might. Your parents are as human as you are, so be generous in affirming them you love them.

On friends: They come and go, most of them at least. But nurture the few ones who you feel would accept you in spite of you. You'd be lucky with your friends. They're all amazing and generous. You'd have them for life.

On men: All men think with their dicks. There are many nice, decent, loving ones, of course, but ultimately they are all driven by their cocks. Don't take it personally; it's just how nature programmed them, including yourself.

On sex: This will be your year, gurl. Just don't expect too much. There will be NO fireworks. With the right person though it can be quite special.

On beauty: Enjoy that18-inch waistline. It will stay for only another two years, and then it all goes downhill from there.

In conclusion: Be fearless. Take risks. Keep on learning. Enjoy your youth. Love your family. Treasure your friends. Life would be very kind to you. And, bitch, 31 is not as old as you think.

Lara Stone Returns

I did not know that I'm in fact fiercely territorial until Lara Stone started camping in my place for two weeks now. I would not necessarily call it "living together", after all he's only staying here for a month, but it's certainly a new "arrangement", for lack of a better term, for me.

Well of course I'm thrilled he's back and we have lots of time to spend with each other. Reading the Sunday papers while having breakfast in bed; going for a swim every afternoon; endless talks... you know the drill. It's fun and I'm certainly knowing him more and more.

At the same time, I'm knowing my self more. One major discovery is, as mentioned above, I am absolutely crazy about my space, basically made up of the four corners of my tiny bedroom. Everything has to be in perfect order; and like the cosmos, it has it own laws, any diversion from which would lead to imbalance - my mind mainly.

Nobody told me my very idea of order would be rocked big time with the arrival of Lara Stone.

First came the queen bed to replace my erstwhile twin bed. Consequently. the bedside table and baskets have to be moved a foot. Then came the working desk, supplanting the small bench by the windows. The table invited laptop cables and cell phone chargers, along with an army of papers, folders, boarding passes, keys, wallets, tote bags, cameras, and whatnot, to pile on it. And then mushrooming in the cabinet are small vials of face creams, lotions, and perfumes that block my bracelets and necklaces from full view.

Don't get me started on the bathroom. Well, there are now two towels hanging from the rack, but at least they are color-coordinated. But gosh, the sink counter! Lotions are invading the "dental care zone' (we are talking about a total space of roughly three square feet). And on the "shower zone", green bottles of shampoo and conditioner disturb the all-white color scheme of my body wash and shampoo dispensers.

My bookshelf, with its books carefully arranged according to size and colors and accessorized with travel souvenirs, has sprouted books that simply just don't belong there. They have elbowed their way into the space of the Vietnamese water puppet. Now my dry gourd form Laos is pressed between a frayed notebook and a damp map of the Skytrain. The horror!!!

Did I tell you already about the dirty clothes strewn on the floor? How can that happen when there's a hamper in full view?

I'm not saying that Lara Stone is a slob. In fact, he is very obsessive in doing the laundry and he also fixes the bed every morning. And oh, he cleans the bathroom, a task I can finally relegate to someone, thank God.

What I'm whining about is how my sense of order has been disturbed lately. I'm mourning how I lost the total control of my space. Fortunately, Lara Stone has positively responded, albeit slowly, to being trained at arranging bottles of moisturizers from the smallest to the largest, or that books of the same color stand together.

Emoterang Frog: V-Day Edition

So it's the love month. Yipeee! Uhm, NOT. God knows I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day. Last year Lara Stone and I spent Valentine's night having an HIV test; very romantic, indeed.

With less than a week to go, I suppose most people are busy preparing for V-Day. I remember back in Las Islas Filipinas, all the restaurants, hotels, and motels are fully booked on this day. And well, the single people among us might just choose to sulk, or have some sort of single's night.

Well, I'm not exactly single but I don't have anyone to spend V-Day with this year... at least physically. Having been suddenly thrust into a long distance relationship I still have to figure out how to make V-Day special with him, if at all.

This LDR thing has been going on for quite a few months now and it's not as hard as I thought it would be. Thanks to Skype and Black Berry, we manage to keep in touch very regularly. Such electronic communication never equals having him around - oh, far from it - but what choice do we have? There are times when I baaadly feel like touching or hugging him, but I don't lose sleep over it. Those are just passing moments. In general, things are mostly smooth.

I guess our advantage is we built a good foundation during our time together in Bangkok. We really took the time to know each other, to develop trust, and so on. It's quite difficult to describe what exactly that foundation is, but perhaps a large part of it is the confidence that we are mutually working for the relationship.

The thing is, I don't know how to do LDR. I just take it one day at a time. I have friends who have been through long-term LDRs, and I gathered sooo many different approaches from them. I couldn't come up with a framework for LDRs based on the diversity of my friends' experiences. Perhaps there are no formulas? Or perhaps, I just have to do it my own way. It's like going around a forest without a map or compass. One thing though, right from the very start I told my self to relax.

So including this V-Day I'm just going to chill. In fact I've made plans, but not because it's V-Day. It just happens that Lea Salonga is coming to BKK for a Valentine concert, so, of course I'm going to brave the traffic and drag my (now) fat ass to the other side of town. I hope she sings On My Own kase parang bagay ang title sa aking mood. Chowz!

When I was 10

I saw him today. On Facebook. My first boy crush. Instantly, I was brought back twenty years ago when I was in Grade 5, when I started getting attracted to boys, and, well, I never looked back since then.

I do find it amusing that the catalyst for my affection for boys/men was no other than him.

He was a transferee from a different province, so, right from the very first day of Grade 5 he immediately caught everyone's attention. He was the typical tisoy boy (I marveled at how light-brown his hair was), with an easy confidence, and speaking with an Ilonggo accent (in fact he spoke Tagalog with and Ilonggo accent). Not long after he arrived in school, every girl had a crush on him. He was, of course, voted as the Escort for the grade level that year (yes, we voted for Muse and Escort in school... argh).

Let's call him R. I remember I could not look straight at him, or just feeling awkward whenever he was around. But I could not stop stealing glances at him as well. You know those weird things we do when our crush was around? Yun.

It did not bother me that I'm a boy having strong feelings for another boy (OK, a stupid crush). I was in a Catholic school, but I never felt guilty for the attraction, although I did not tell anyone about it either.

One time, we went on a field trip. The night before the trip, I prayed the rosary, specially asking Mother Mary for R and I to sit together on the bus. I bloody swear I did. And somehow the prayer worked because the next day we sat beside each other. I was ecstatic, needless to say; I even offered him my Hi-C, which he refused.

I wonder if indeed I eventually became a bit obsessive over him because at one point I started talking aloud to my self, pretending he and I were having a conversation. It lasted one summer break.

In Grade 6 he was moved to another class. He was elected Escort of Grade 6, naturally (ugh). Anyway, that meant I did not have enough chance to interact with him except in drafting class when all the boys of the same grade level would have a class on drawing and wood work and all that macho shit, separate from the girls who were taught sewing and embroidery. By then, his mystique has dissipated from me; I realized he's not that smart after all, and in fact he became a part of the gang of naughty boys. Big disillusionment!

In high school I noticed him around campus, acting some sort of a leader of those jocks that excelled in basketball (what else?) but kept on getting caught in fights with boys from other schools. By then, I completely lost interest in him. (I became asexual in high school.)

And then in second year high school he got one girl pregnant. They were both thirteen. The girl was also in the same high school. She had to stop going to school for a year as a result of the pregnancy. R, of course, continued going to school where his friends started calling him Tatay (Daddy), a title he seemed to carry with pride, despite having no role in raising the baby.

Years later, after my university years, I bumped into him on Siargao Island where he seemed to live a surfer lifestyle, or pretty much being a bum. When I saw him, it struck me that he was not as gorgeous as I thought he was... or say, he was not as gorgeous as when I first saw him.

So today I saw him on Facebook. Stalking his other albums, there are photos of his wife and daughters. I stared at his photos, trying to trace, and recollect, his features when he was ten years old. Doing that did bring me back to memories of how stunning he was, or at least how I perceived him then.

Pinay Bloggers in Siam

When I moved to Thailand one of the first things I did was search the web for Pinoy bloggers in Bangkok.. well the bayot kind, to be specific. Unfortunately, I did not find one at that time. Fast forward three years later, I have come across a number of Siam-based bloggers, which certainly is a welcome treat. It's always nice to find out how my kababayans (countrymen) see Bangkok through their own eyes and indeed I found a variety of perspectives among them.

The first blogger I stumbled on is Man of the Rose, and my, my, my what a find it truly is! Man of the Rose features the delectable side of Thailand, its men in particular. Cee, the author, posts photos of Thai men (and other Asian celebrities and models, but mostly Thai) in various states of undress, including see-through moments that leave very little to the imagination... or au naturel some times.

I believe Binibining Cee gets his photos from Thai fashion magazines as well as gay-oriented magazines and websites. Thank God for Cee's resourcefulness, any visitor to his website would have more than enough material for wet dreams to last a lifetime. Warning, this site is mostly NSFW.

The other blog authored by Cee is Carlo de la Rosa's I'm Not Most People.  Here he posts a hodgepodge of stuff, from Thai and Filipino celebrity gossip, to movies, theater, and features stories of some of his trips.

I've in fact seen Carlo a few weeks back at Charice's mall appearance in BKK. He was covering the visit and had the chance to interview the Pinay star... but I was too shy to say hi.

The next Pinay bayot blogger is La Primera Chismosa in the City of Fallen Angels, Gossip Girl TS. The blurb in his profile says: "I am Gossip Girl based in Times Square. Your reliable source of everything juicy and scandalous about the lives of Upper TS office goers. I rely on your tips so message me and let's give everyone something to talk about. Everyone gets SPOTTED. And you're next. You know you love me. XOXO"

Gossip Girl TS is a hilarious account of the misadventures of his other bayot friends, and that includes my dear Bubbles, who is featured in the latest post titled "The XYZ of :Love." I also happen to know most of the people whose lives GG (Gossip Girl) exposes. GG is undoubtedly a gifted writer, making the mundane and raunchy sound at least a bit classy and ultimately amusing.

Speaking of La Bubbles, he has a blog too! Atbp. ni Biloc is his musings on life, love, and lust.  Ok, maybe not lust, but how can you separate that from La Bubbles, right?

It's quite difficult to pinpoint exactly what Atbp. ni Biloc is all about. It's at times philosophical ("But whatever the LOTUS entails, for me it’s a flower that gives radiance. You appreciate the form it shows and how it blooms"), political, or just simply musical. A example of the latter is his latest post on Lani Misalucha's Tila, which I suspect is La Bubbles' ode to the rainy season in this part of the world? Ladies and gentlemen, please help me figure out Atbp. ni Biloc.

Rounding up my finds of Pinoy-authored blogs in BKK is the latest addition to the small group, Siam Stylista. I am totally excited that finally there's a street-style blog covering the many fashionistas in this city (I'm not exactly sure if this is the first and only, but it's the only site of its kind I've seen so far).

It's a relatively newly-started blog and the author has been quite consistent in posting. At the moment, it's still difficult to figure out the aesthetics that draws Siam Stylista to his subjects, but he's off to a good start nonetheless. He even had the chance to interview the owner of one of my favorite Thai brands, Wonder Anatomie (Donita Rose, check it out!).

By the look of it, there's a growing number of Pinoy bayot bloggers in Bangkok and one can only wish that our number increases even further. Again, these are the only blogs to my knowledge but there could be more out there. If you happen to be one of those authors I forgot to mention, please feel free to drop me a message.

Nega

I had an HIV test last Friday evening and I'm happy to report that I'm negative. Are you surprised? Tse! Since coming to BKK, I've had four tests so far. I do it at least twice a year. I always practice safe sex but still I get regular testing, you know, just in case. No matter how many times I've done it, I still get pretty tensed minutes leading to the test and especially when I'm about to hear the result.

I learned last Friday that the HIV infection rate among gay men in BKK is now thirty percent. When I first arrived here, the rate was already a high twenty-four percent, but the current figure is just alarmingly high, making it more imperative that we get ourselves tested as regularly as possible.

Having an HIV test in BKK is made convenient by the Silom Clinic at the Bangkok Christian Hospital. Catering specifically to men, the tests are free and quick (regular HIV test results are out in 30 minutes). I believe they also give counseling and medication to those who test positive.

At the clinic last Friday, the nurse asked me if there are such free clinics in the Philippines, but regrettably I only know one clinic in Malate that does HIV testing and some sort of counseling and information drive. (I hope some readers who know about other similar clinics or organizations to contribute to this post.)

I was quite sad to inform the nurse that there is hardly any serious and long-term effort in spreading information on safe-sex practices in the Philippines. The situation is more dismal for assistance to people who are HIV positive (as far as my limited knowledge is concerned and again, I'm soliciting inputs from the readers). Such an initiative is very crucial at a time when HIV infection among Filipinos is rising.

To focus on the case of men having sex with men (MSM), reports indicate an alarming increase in HIV infection in this sector. In this article for instance (Government warns vs HIV danger in MSM sector, released in December 2008), a government health official notes "that MSM has become the new sexual norm (in HIV transmission)".

The article also reports that since the Philippines started recording HIV cases, "males comprised 69 percent of the total infections through heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual contact, with MSM triggering the bulk". Further, "in the cumulative total of 1,097 infected MSM from 1984 to 2008, 49 percent were reported in the last three years alone; 108 have died when reported, and slightly more MSM were reportedly already with AIDS".

As I do not have in-depth knowledge (nor access to scientific studies) of the prevailing sexual behavior of Filipino gay men, or those who are into MSM in general, I can only speculate on their practices and perceptions. In my generation and those younger at least, there is a more relaxed attitude towards homosexuality, hence, gay men are relatively open to explore and express their sexuality.

Internet dating sites and saunas are widely available, casual sex is common, and consumption of alcohol and drugs is rising. I'm not saying any of the aforementioned is wrong or right, but together with these factors safe sex practices are often neglected. Mis-information and ignorance dominate instead.

Often, I'd hear young people saying only sex workers get infected by HIV. Also, if their sex partners look healthy chances are they are not HIV positive. Some also believe that using a condom is not as pleasurable.

There is definitely a wide chasm between risky behavior versus informed decisions, as backed by a survey among MSM in the Philippines that showed only two out of five men used a condom with their most recent sex partner (more in Filipino MSM and the epidemic of HIV infection).

Further proof of the lack of awareness on and practice of safe sex among MSM is that among the newly infected, most are students and young professionals. It is expected that those who have access to education would be somehow better informed but that is certainly not the case, I'm afraid.

For many years now government policy towards sex education is close to zero. Filipino society is generally conservative, courtesy mainly of our Catholic upbringing, hence the first mention of the birds and the bees in our classrooms would send the clergy breathing fire on the pulpit. Also because of the church's strong influence on politics, the government is adamant to not touch such a sensitive topic should the men in robes campaign against them.

The church is only one of the interest groups advocating against sex education (and please don't get me started on reproductive health and divorce), although they are certainly one of the strongest among the lot. As a whole, however, Filipinos still refuse to speak about sex, much less homosexuality, hence turning a blind eye on what could very well be a ticking time bomb.

Fucks and Figures

Is there something sick with the fact that at this very moment I have a black notebook right before me that has a list of the men I've slept with?

Does anybody else do this? Can someone please tell me I'm like, I don't know, normal?

Wait, I actually know one who does the same. My friend even has his list in Excel, color coded, and annotated (you know who you are!!!).

On the other hand, my list, with the heading Kalalakihan (men), is just in this humble notebook, hand-written.

You might ask why I bother listing the men I slept with. Well, I'm a manic "documenter". I keep movie tickets, park tickets, boarding passes, bus tickets, receipts, and I list pretty much everything that comes to mind (books, movies, things to buy, things to NOT buy, galleries visited, plays watched, clothes worn this week, etc.).

So it is definitely natural for me to have a list of my sex partners, di ba? Why should I exempt it, aber? It's purely documentation.

I actually transferred the list from a smaller notebook last weekend, and I was reminded then that, hmmmm, it's a good material for a blog entry.

And it also happened that this afternoon, for some reason I could not remember now, Fuchsiaboy suggested that I might as well list these men. I told him that such list exists and a post shall be written about it.

So Donita Rosemary "Baby" Arenas, here it is.

(Gosh, someone tell me to stop this entry right now.)

Without further talak, let's go to the numbers...

Total number of men I've slept with: 36

It wasn't difficult at all to remember these men when I started this list about a couple of years ago. There wasn't that many. I must've have missed three people or so, but this is as far as I can recollect

But I certainly could not remember all of their names. That is simply not possible (as a friend once declared: Who bothers with names these days?).

But the majority of them have names. For those I can't recall I simply call them with nicknames, such as: Sugar (coz he has some sugarcane plantation in Bukidnon), Dishwasher (obvious!), Waiter (again, obvious!), and so on.

I also listed them in chronological order as much as possible and it appeared that of the 36, I slept with only 11 men in the Philippines (but not necessarily all were Filipinos).

Talking of nationalities, I've slept with 10 Filipinos, which had been surpassed by Thais at 13.

More interesting for me, however, is that out of the 36, only 7 of those guys had a repeat performance (that means I slept with them at least twice). Which makes all the other 29 as one-night stands.

Such a record to be totally proud of. NOT!

Gosh, that confirms what I slut I am! But we all know that.

Now let's talk about frequency. From the first time I was sexually active, I've had sex with only 11 men within a six-year period (that's before I moved to Thailand).

Contrast that with 27 men within the past two years. I clearly found the whore in me when I arrived in BangCock.

In fact, within May and December 2008 (eight months) I slept with 17 men (compared with just 11 men within six years in the Philippines).

However, as for my record in 2009, the Czarina of Penang only has this to say: Dios mio, mas maraming bagyo pa ang sumalanta sa Pilipinas sa taong 'to!

(Roughly translating to: My God, more typhoons have ravaged the Philippines this year!)

How many typhoons have we had ba? Ask PAG-ASA.

Dear Diary

As mentioned in this post, I managed to unearth some old journals I left in Surigao and Manila. Since I arrived back to BangCock I've been reading through them and had been continuously fascinated at how much I discover about myself when I was 14, 17, and so on.

I even ended most of my entries with a prayer to my guardian angel or something and that kept my eyes rolling as I went through the entries.

One particular journal stood out from the bunch though. Written within a span of nearly two and a half years (the first entry was in 2001 and the last was 2003), it covers my post-university days, particularly when I moved to Davao and then when I lived between Cebu and Surigao.

The first part mainly recorded my initial attempt at job-hunting. These were long, idle months, hence, I had the time to write about all the most mundane stuff on earth. And then I eventually found a job, explaining why there was a six-month gap in the entries.

I resumed writing in the journal when I had my first brush with, ehem, love. *Insert "Psycho" music here.* Well, particularly when I was heart-broken, which I touched on in this and this entries. Now this is where things became a bit more cringe-inducing when I read the entries a few days back.

I was YMing with a retired blogger (you know who you are!) about my reaction to the old entries and I told him that the main, BIG realization is: "Damn, the bayot has not changed!".

I was supposed to post here some lines from the journal to prove my point, but I digress. It's revealing way, way too much. I don't want to go into the details either.

Simply put, I could've written the exact entries down to the last word to describe how I felt a year ago, the last time I grieved over losing someone. *Insert "Jaws" music here.* I could even say the same thing for all the three times that I had my heart broken. Now that's a span of like six years, but my style is sooo last, last, last, last season it might as well be vintage. Sigh.

I also happen to have in my hands right now my old love letters with the second guy who broke my heart, and I also have my hidden blog to record the third instance. *Wince, wince, wince while rolling on the floor.* Ok, given these records, I tried to assess my relationship pattern.

And so when I was YMing with Retired Blogger (my personal process queen), I said that there seems to be a trend in my "relationships" (I could not help but put the quotation marks), or at least how they ended.

Without going into specifics, consistently it appears that they're a compendium of me being taken for granted by these men, or not being loved in return, or me not being in their priority list.

Always, and I mean ALWAYS, I just walk away without fuss, knowing very well that I cannot push my self down other people's throat. Begging is definitely out of the question. And well, the post-break-up part is a major story of its own (which I shall write about in the future. That too has a clear pattern.)

I'm curious if indeed it's very difficult to break relationship habits. I haven't talked to that many gay men about their relationship patterns, but I wonder what theirs would be if ever they have one. Or do they even bother to examine their past?

I just happen to obsessively document things, hence, I have something to look back to. But still for most people it would not require a found journal or a secret blog to plot their patterns. Why don't you tell me about yours?

Shelf Life: Pangatlong Paglaladlad

On my recent trip to Las Islas Filipinas I finally snagged a copy of Ladlad 3: An Anthology of Philippine Gay Writing (2007, Anvil) edited by J. Neil Garcia and Danton Remoto (see Danton's blog here). The term ladlad connotes shedding off something, to disrobe, or also to unravel, hence, in Filipino gay-speak it is commonly associated with coming out.

The first Ladlad was published in 1994, followed by a second installment in 1996. I remember furtively requesting for the first two editions of Ladlad at the Filipiniana section of UP's Main Library. And then I'd look for the most remote desk in the reading area while regularly searching the crowd around me for any familiar face.

Anyway, I could not remember most of the entries in the first two Ladlad editions but overall I was struck by how assertive the authors are about their homosexuality. Many of them reflect the resistance of gay men against the prevalent macho culture. Others seem to provoke, while also a number celebrate their "gayness". In other words, Ladlad then were very political, if not activist.

Whereas the first two Ladlad were firm in dispelling stereotypes and were determined to create an alternative popular image of gay men, the recent edition is more introspective. If the third Ladlad book indicates anything, it appears that there is a shift in the attitudes of Filipino gay men, mainly a move towards a sense of confidence.

Ladlad 3 is therefore more about individuals who happen to be gay... but they are also sons, friends, lovers, or colleagues.

In the short story section for instance, M. Protacio de Guzman's Epiphany goes into the mind of a man mulling over what he thought was a lackluster relationship, whereas J. Neil Garcia's Kitty and Vergil is about the quirky relationship of gay men and their fag hags, and Ino Manalo's Pakiramdam (Intuition) describes one man's dilemma on introducing to his family his lover of eight years.

If there's one obvious politically-oriented short story, that has to be Giyera (War). Honorio Bartolome de Dios tells us the story of a local beautician, Bernie, who is part of an underground, guerrilla movement. But then, Bernie is a rebel against a political and economic system that takes advantage of a community and he just happens to be gay.

This "they just happen to be gay" theme is also carried over in the second half, the poetry section. Many of the poems do not have an "obviously gay" voice or at least are sexually ambiguous.

In as much as I'm not a big fan of poetry per se, I liked more pieces in this section than among the short stories, to be quite honest. Some of the standouts for me are Ronald Baytan's Distance and La Puta del Mundo, Carlomar Arcangel Daoana's The Long History of Kissing Boys, Nestor de Guzman's Sa Kapisan, Ralph Semino Galan's Your Name, and Remoto's The Ring.

A number of poems poignantly touches on the relationship of gay sons and their parents. Christopher Cahilig's Sa Inyong Kaarawan, Itay (On Your Birthday, Dad), Eugene Evasco's Hardinero (Gardener), Alex Gregorio's Sad Movie, and Roel Hoang Manipon's Irreconcilable Differences should resonate with many gay men raised in a paternalistic society.

So while Ladlad 3 veers from its two more militant predecessors, it does not completely depart from making statements on the more fundamental issues confronted by gay Filipinos. Perhaps the book reflects how the "gay movement" has evolved to encompass the different realities of being a homosexual in contemporary times. Also, perhaps it is a testament of the success of the strong advocacy of the "gay movement" which has somehow ameliorated the largely homophobic stance of the society, hence there is no pressing need to be overtly political either.

Foiled it may have been, the attention - and to a certain extent, support - that Ang Ladlad received in its unsuccessful bid to run as one of the party list representatives in the last elections (was that 2006?) nonetheless shows how the gay movement is inching its way towards wider acceptance. Now Danton is even resolute in running for the Senate in 2010, and that is definitely something all gay Filipinos need to fully support.

To finish this post, I shall include here my favorite poem in the book and perhaps this also sums up everything that Ladlad 3 is all about.

(This is obviously a copyright infringement as I did not ask permission from the authors and publishers. Paumanhin po.)

Bago ang Bading
(Pasintabi kay Rebecca T. Anonuevo)

by Ralph Semino Galan

Mabuti nalang at sa panahong ito ako
Ipinanganak na bading.
Hindi ko na kailangang tumili o tumalak
Para marinig ang aking voice.
Hindi ko kailangang magdamit babae
Kung hindi ko carry,
O umastang machong lalaki
Kung feel kong magpa-girl
Sa bahay man o opisina.
Hindi ko kailangang magpahaba ng hair
O manggupit ng hair para mabuhay.
Hindi ko kailangang magpakasal
Sa mujer na hindi ko mahal
Para maging respectable ako sa madla.
Hindi ko kailangang ipilit ang sarili
Sa straight na mhin na ayaw sa akin.
Hindi ko kailangang magpa-cut ng notes
O magpadagdag ng boobs
Para makumpleto ang aking pagkatao.
Hindi ko kailangang i-forget
Na isa akong tao
Bago isang bading.

* From Ladlad 3: An Anthology of Philippine Gay Writing, Edited by J. Neil C. Garcia and Danton Remoto. Anvil Publishing, 2007.

Doing it Right

As promised, today I shall try to write about my approach on dating in Thailand, if any one cares to know. I have to stress the "in Thailand" coz certainly my current attitude towards dating has been shaped by the strangeness (to put it lightly) of the gay scene in this city, not least of all.

Also, I did not think so much about dating back when I was in Las Islas. So there, I am going to portray my self as a naive village lass who comes from this typhoon-plagued city facing the Pacific Ocean (wala lang, I just wanted to put that).

I come from a conservative Catholic country, and I am still frustratingly unable to completely shake off its remnants from my system.

I really wish I can, primarily to make things more convenient. But we all know that Catholic guilt is a bitch.

Or maybe it has nothing to do with it.

Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I did not pay a lot of attention to gay relationships before this. I wasn't so much into the gay scene back home. Most of my friends in Las Islas are women (you know who you are!).

Consequently, I thought that gay relationships are as simple as heterosexual ones: boy meets boy, they fall in love, and they live a happily monogamous relationship.

Gosh, how stupid of me.

So let's say I only had my awakening to the "reality" of gay life when I came to Thailand, where it seems the scene is veering towards the more hedonistic side, towards momentary pleasure-seeking and so on. Again, I'm not saying it is unique to Thailand; it could be true anywhere. (I know you're fed up with the disclaimers. Tse!)

I was bound to make mistakes from expecting people to see things the way I do. Some mistakes were minor and one or two were major ones (sweetie, you don't want to hear the sometimes funny, sometimes painful specifics of that).

Hay, I'm no freaking angel though. Absolutely far from it. I had my slutty episodes, mainly because I was allured by the availability of warm bodies to snuggle with.

Oh, I tried to embrace the inner Magdalena in me. Who would not? It was quite dazzling at first but it can also get mentally and emotionally draining, you know what I mean?

Sexual encounters are just that... encounters. Each time I imagine a sense of intimacy with anyone, I realized that these illusions are all transient and it leaves me rather hollow instead.

If I may put myself on my moral high-chair, I felt I was losing my dignity each time I submitted to my impulses.

Some friends told me that I don't need to over-think being a slut, after all, it's how the game is supposedly played in the gay scene.

Well, I simply can't do that. It bothered me that I'm starting to see people as means to my carnal needs and vice versa.

Some people can do that, and I'm sure they are fine, if not happy, with it. Oh, tell me about it, at least in the case of this city. I don't pass any judgment on people who do though. Absolutely not.

Personally, however, playing along with this kind of game definitely goes against the values (values daw!) I impose on myself.

Just earlier tonight, I was talking to my dear sister from a different mother, Bubbles, and he asked me why I've not been doing the rounds for some time now. I told him I refuse to sustain it. It's simply a matter of preference. It's akin to saying that doing the rounds do not go with my skin tone, nor the color of my eyes. It's not my aesthetic. Choz!

Bubbles said: Aba, aba, aba, nagmamaganda kang bakla ka! (Can someone please translate this to English?)

I know, Bubbles can be such a... you know the rest. (Peace, Bubbles!)

Well, I'm definitely not saying that I would not submit to temptations EVER again. I'm not a saint, am I? If for instance Ananda Everingham invites me to bed, would I say no? Of course I would say no coz that's already the husband of Fuchsiaboy. Charing!

Babbling on...

My current approach is to do dating right. And one of the ways of doing it "right" is to be the person that I'm looking for in others. Hay, don't start me on my standards or expectations. How much time do we exactly have, anyway?

Simply put, I cannot demand from others what I cannot give. Fair enough, chai mai?

One friend told me that it's expecting too much, especially from the gay scene. Considering the prevalent mindset of instant gratification, perhaps I should consider making adjustments to my criteria.

Is it too much to expect sincerity, honesty, and commitment from people? Am I reaching for the stars here? I don't think so.

If it is, then I'd rather be alone. I'm perfectly happy with that rather than go into some pseudo relationships just for the sake of having a relationship even it compromises my values. I'd rather knit. I'd rather water my plants. I'd rather finish the beading in my traje de boda. I'd rather eat carbs... este, fruits.

Oh, don't give me that you're-definitely-not-going-to-find-Mr. Perfect speech. I'm not looking for Mr Fucking Perfect, bitch.

As an extreme example, I'd rather have a two-week affair, say, once every three years with someone whom I know is sincere with the relationship (I definitely have a broad definition of a "relationship"). Compare this with having a partner for two years or two decades but I stick with him just because it's convenient but the relationship is anyway full of perfidy and lacking in commitment.

Am I making sense here? Probably not. Sigh.

Quality over quantity, that's what I mean, bitch.

However, I don't think it's unrealistic to look for people who share my values. And common values are fundamental in healthy relationships. Maybe there's only a handful, hard-to-find men out there who see things the way I do, but it does not perturb me at all.

I simply refuse to be trapped in the search. There are just way too many better things to do, di ba?

Call me an idealistic, hypocritical, and preachy bastard but if I don't stick to my ideals I know I would be living a lie. At the core of people is their ideals and values; we should resist the temptation of departing from them only to make life, hmmm, convenient.

I remember this line from Revolutionary Road: "And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is how ever how long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth... they just get better at lying."

On that note... I shall close this incoherent nonsense. Please don't take me seriously. What do I know about these things, really? It's just me spewing gibberish at two in the morning.

I've said what I needed to say on this topic. I'd try not to venture into the matter in the near future. I think I'm better at writing about campiness. I shall resume to my frivolous and flippant tone in the coming posts.

Thanks for reaching this far in this entry anyhow. You have no idea how it challenged my attention span, bitch.

Asus!

Estado? As in, Estado?

I was YMing with my sister last Friday morning and somehow we ended up talking about our cousins' lives. Well it was mainly about some buntisan issue chenelyn, which is really nothing shocking to me coz I know I come from a family of sluts. Chooooozzzzz! (To the famille... JOKE!)

The point is, my mom supposedly SMSed my sister that she (my sister) is pretty much free to start a family of her own blah blah blah.

But for some reason, I was an addendum to my mom's unfailing concern for her kids.

And this is exactly what she sent my sister (in Suriganon, with virtually no punctuation marks):

"sagdi rkan si gp amo n gjud tingali ija stado nadawat na nato jaun. isa ry tagkahadlukan bc msakit i2n nan AIDS simbko lmang."

Ok, let me try my best to translate this to Tagalog:

"Pabayaan mo na si GP [my nickname]. Ganyan na talaga siguro ang kanyang estado. Natanggap na natin yan. Iisa lang ang kinakakatakutan ko, baka magkasakit sya ng AIDS, God forbid."

Honestly, I don't know how to precisely translate that to English, but basically what my mom was saying, or at least what she implied, was that she had accepted my sexual orientation and that her only fear is that I'd contract AIDS.

How tumbling moment can that get, aber?

My first reaction was really to LOL! That's honestly the best thing I could do at that time. What exactly is my mom thinking?

However, looking at it now, I reached a couple of conclusions.

One. My parents are at least aware that I'm gay.

Like, haler!!!??? What can be more obvious, di ba?

But the point is, my parents can talk about it now. For so long we've always adopted the don't-ask-don't-tell policy. I never really found it imperative to come out to them coz I simply don't see the point. But c'mon, in my case, coming out is just so... fucking redundant.

The bottomline is, as my mom said it, they have come to terms with my sexuality, di ba? I think that's the most important part. Relieved ang bayot.

Now moving on.

Two. My parents are concerned that I'd get infected?

Duh.

This one concerns me more than the former coz I can't really believe how ignorant my mom is on this matter (sorry, mommy). Ugh. Most Filipinos haven't really let go of their stereotypes about gay people, my mom included unfortunately.

Well, ok, I appreciate her concern. But there are more things to be concerned about, mom... like, if I get enough skin hydration every night or that my shoes match my scarf.

But AIDS? I don't think so.

For one, my mom raised us talking about sex relatively openly. We learned about contraception, so in effect protection as well, since we were at least eight years old perhaps.

Second, I do get regular HIV tests, espcially here in BKK where it's free.

Third, I've ALWAYS, ALWAYS practiced safe sex. Gosh, what can be more difficult than that? Wait, probably braiding hair is harder. But no, I can braid hair with my eyes closed. Ooops, and having sex too, in many cases at least.

And fourth, she has no idea that ten years of going to Catholic school made me a true Dalagang Filipina. The nuns would be so proud of me! I don't sleep with just anyone; I sleep with EVERYONE. Choz!

Hay ambot! Hay ewan! Hay inday!

I don't know how to explain to my mom that her fears are totally misplaced and in fact baseless. I wish she knows me more.

Anyway, I'm just amused. Yun lang.

Processing: The Pursuit of Happyness Edition

Agent San Francisco: ikaw, how are you? kumusta ang bkk?

Agent BangCock: i'm ok... i realized last night that i'm happy and satisfied with my life... surprising coz i've always been restless

Agent BangCock: last night it just dawned on me that i'm feeling serenely happy OR happily serene these past months

Agent San Francisco: winner naman ang realisation na yan

Agent BangCock: i know! hahahaha. weird nga. i don’t know where it came from

Agent San Francisco: ang basic question pa e, how did you end up in the mode of thinking?... as in u asked yourself?

Agent BangCock: wala lang... i was looking at the painting on my wall and the thought just came into my head... "hmmm... i'm actually happy and contented after years of restlessness". yun lang

Agent San Francisco: ay kaloka. when will i have that moment kaya?

Agent BangCock: baka it would dawn on you in SFO

Agent BangCock: or maybe coz you don’t think of happiness... you don’t even have to will it... it just happens.

Agent BangCock: you need to be calm for once to listen to your self, i guess

Agent San Francisco: maybe maybe maybe

It just happened on its own.

For the first time in years I'm free of the need to have something to look forward to.

For the first time in years I wholly appreciate the present and can truly be content with it.

Perhaps it has something to do with feeling settled in BangCock, of the certainty that I don't need to be any where else right now.

Perhaps it has something to do with the comfort of having really genuine friends in the city... and beyond (Star Trek isdatchyu?).

Perhaps it has something to do with the balance that I've achieved in many aspects of my life and that makes me feel more whole.

Oh, it might even be just hormones.

Processing: Delusional Bayots Edition

This is how two bored (and probably drunk) gay men talk in the chatroom.

Agent Siem Reap: tama na muna ang mags... didnt buy na nga paris vogue

Agent BangCock: baket???

Agent Siem Reap: save muna ako pera

Agent BangCock: meron ka pala nung save save na concept? those are only for poor people dahling

Agent Siem Reap: ang gastos ko na. ewan ko, i feel guilty sa recession

Agent BangCock: when you think about money you are not rich enough, i'm disappointed

Agent Siem Reap: oo naman they are for poor people

Agent Siem Reap: pero di ba bad taste yun

Agent BangCock: bad taste?

Agent Siem Reap: ayoko namang maging crass

Agent BangCock: it's not your fault that they are poor... why should you be considerate of their plight?

Agent BangCock: being crass is soooo now

Agent Siem Reap: i mean i just bought $20 worth of magazines habang ang iba dyan ay nagugutom

Agent BangCock: well they can eat your mags if they want... they can mix it with rice and vinegar

Agent Siem Reap: or air

Agent BangCock: or air!

Agent Siem Reap: well it's in to be a recessionista now... so im being a recessionista

Agent Siem Reap: hay i envy the poor though, they have no choice but to be thin

Agent BangCock: i know! mga bitch sila

Agent BangCock: the feeling is mutal it seems... they envy you too

Agent Siem Reap: what is there to envy sa akin? the obese me!

Agent BangCock: ang haba daw ng hair mo!

Agent BangCock: poor, obese you.

Agent Siem Reap: oh if they only know the agony of balenciaga

Agent BangCock: korak!!!

Agent BangCock: kung alam lang nila kung gaano kahirap na harapin ang publique mo all the time... your very exacting publique who want to see you in your best ALL the time

Agent Siem Reap: at least sila wala silang choice, if they go out wearing gulanit clothes people understand

Agent Siem Reap: eh tayong mga may publique they expect us to be perfumed, coiffed and polished

Agent BangCock: indeed!

Agent BangCock: they dont know how it's like to face the paparazzi

Agent Siem Reap: and the press could be a bitch... heartless... unmerciful

Agent BangCock: the publique needs their fantasy... and we have to represent that for them. they need their escape!

Agent Siem Reap: of course. we are the paragon of what they want to achieve

Agent BangCock: and that's very difficult ha, you have to meet their expectations all the time

Agent BangCock: you are their picture of hope, and the truth, and beauty...

Agent Siem Reap: we could not afford to disappoint them

Agent BangCock: no way

Agent Siem Reap: hay.. life in the echelon of riches and power is so lonely... hay

Agent BangCock: in fact we drive capitalism. coz we represent the middle class' aspirations... and without aspirations, people would stop buying

Agent Siem Reap: naman

Agent BangCock: that's why we need to be more ostentatious during these times

Agent Siem Reap: we drive the economy

Agent BangCock: coz we have to encourage the people to buy... to keep business grinding... to keep the small and medium enterprises thriving... to keep LVMH surviving

Agent Siem Reap: I’ll just wear regular chanel than do couture... para naman keri lang

Agent BangCock: and when times are hard, the middle class and the poor have to have an escape. we are their only hope. we cannot let them wallow in despair, love

Agent Siem Reap: thats why im using a lot of japanese brands na. para discreet elegance lang. the likes of yohji. i mean one pants is just like $1500

Agent Siem Reap: that’s discreet no?

Please, for the love of God, do not Malu Fernandez us.

Processing

Agent Siem Reap: di ka ba natatakot na wala kang makasama pag tanda mo?

Agent BangCock: where does this question come from?

Agent BangCock: so Little Miss Philippines

Agent BangCock: "anong gusto mo pagtanda mo?"

Agent BangCock: "magind doktor po"

Agent Siem Reap: hahaha

Agent Siem Reap: (pasting a conversation he was having with Agent Penang in another window)

Agent Siem Reap: di ka na natatakot na wala kang makasama pag tanda mo?

Agent Penang: ako? hindi, may pera naman ako

Agent Siem Reap: hahaha

Agent BangCock: wonderful!!!

Agent BangCock: hahahaha

Agent BangCock: where the fuck did this question come from?

Agent Siem Reap: (pasting another message exchange between him and Agent Penang)

Agent Penang: process oriented talaga ang Agent BangCock, kung Ms U yan, talo na sya

Agent Siem Reap: oo nga

Agent Siem Reap: yes or no lang naman ang tanong

Agent Siem Reap: hahaha

Agent BangCock: so anong sagot mo sa tanong?

Agent Siem Reap: napaisip lang ako nung umiihi ako. it must be my mood.

Agent BangCock: punyeta