As promised, today I shall try to write about my approach on dating in Thailand, if any one cares to know. I have to stress the "in Thailand" coz certainly my current attitude towards dating has been shaped by the strangeness (to put it lightly) of the gay scene in this city, not least of all.
Also, I did not think so much about dating back when I was in Las Islas. So there, I am going to portray my self as a naive village lass who comes from this typhoon-plagued city facing the Pacific Ocean (wala lang, I just wanted to put that).
I come from a conservative Catholic country, and I am still frustratingly unable to completely shake off its remnants from my system.
I really wish I can, primarily to make things more convenient. But we all know that Catholic guilt is a bitch.
Or maybe it has nothing to do with it.
Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I did not pay a lot attention to gay relationships before this. I wasn't so much into the gay scene back home. Most of my friends in Las Islas are women (you know who you are!).
Consequently, I thought that gay relationships are as simple as heterosexual ones: boy meets boy, they fall in love, and they live a happily monogamous relationship.
Gosh, how stupid of me.
So let's say I only had my awakening to the "reality" of gay life when I came to Thailand, where it seems the scene is veering towards the more hedonistic side, towards momentary pleasure-seeking and so on. Again, I'm not saying it is unique to Thailand; it could be true anywhere. (I know you're fed up with the disclaimers. Tse!)
I was bound to make mistakes from expecting people to see things the way I do. Some mistakes were minor and one or two were major ones (sweetie, you don't want to hear the sometimes funny, sometimes painful specifics of that).
Hay, I'm no freaking angel though. Absolutely far from it. I had my slutty episodes, mainly because I was allured by the availability of warm bodies to snuggle with.
Oh, I tried to embrace the inner Magdalena in me. Who would not? It was quite dazzling at first but it can also get mentally and emotionally draining, you know what I mean?
Sexual encounters are just that... encounters. Each time I imagine a sense of intimacy with anyone, I realized that these illusions are all transient and it leaves me rather more hollow instead.
If I may put my self on my moral high-chair, I felt I was losing my dignity each time I submitted to my impulses.
Some friends told me that I don't need to over-think being a slut, after all it's how the game is supposedly played in the gay scene.
Well, I simply can't do that. It bothered me that I'm starting to see people as means to my carnal needs and vice versa.
Some people can do that, and I'm sure they are fine, if not happy, with it. Oh, tell me about it, at least in the case of this city. I don't pass any judgment on people who do though. Absolutely not.
Personally, however, playing along with this kind of game definitely goes against the values (values daw!) I impose on my self.
Just earlier tonight, I was talking to my dear sister from a different mother, Bubbles, and he asked me why I've not been doing the rounds for some time now. I told him I refuse to sustain it. It's simply a matter of preference. It's akin to saying that doing the rounds do not go with my skin tone, nor the color of my eyes. It's not my aesthetic. Choz!
Bubbles said: Aba, aba, aba, nagmamaganda kang bakla ka! (Can someone please translate this to English?)
I know, Bubbles can be such a... you know the rest. (Peace, Bubbles!)
Well, I'm definitely not saying that I would not submit to temptations EVER again. I'm not a saint, am I? If for instance Ananda Everingham invites me to bed, would I say no? Of course I would say no coz that's already the husband of Fuchsiaboy. Charing!
My current approach is to do dating right. And one of the ways of doing it "right" is to be the person that I'm looking for in others. Hay, don't start me on my standards or expectations. How much time do we exactly have, anyway?
Simply put, I cannot demand from others what I cannot give. Fair enough, chai mai?
One friend told me that it's expecting too much, especially from the gay scene. Considering the prevalent mindset of instant gratification, perhaps I should consider making adjustments to my criteria.
Is it too much to expect sincerity, honesty, and commitment from people? Am I reaching for the stars here? I don't think so.
If it is, then I'd rather be alone. I'm perfectly happy with that rather than go into some pseudo relationships just for the sake of having a relationship even it compromises my values. I'd rather knit. I'd rather water my plants. I'd rather finish the beading in my traje de boda. I'd rather eat carbs... este, fruits.
Oh, don't give me that you're-definitely-not-going-to-find-Mr. Perfect speech. I'm not looking for Mr Fucking Perfect, bitch.
As an extreme example, I'd rather have a two-week affair, say, once every three years with someone whom I know is sincere with the relationship (I definitely have a broad definition of a "relationship"). Compare this with having a partner for two years or two decades but I stick with him just because it's convenient but the relationship is anyway full of perfidy and lacking in commitment.
Am I making sense here? Probably not. Sigh.
Quality over quantity, that's what I mean, bitch.
However, I don't think it's unrealistic to look for people who share my values. And common values are fundamental in healthy relationships. Maybe there's only a handful, hard-to-find men out there who see things the way I do, but it does not perturb me at all.
I simply refuse to be trapped in the search. There are just way too many better things to do, di ba?
Call me an idealistic, hypocritical, and preachy bastard but if I don't stick to my ideals I know I would be living a lie. At the core of people is their ideals and values; we should resist the temptation of departing from them only to make life, hmmm, convenient.
I remember this line from Revolutionary Road: "And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is how ever how long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth... they just get better at lying."
On that note... I shall close this incoherent nonsense. Please don't take me seriously. What do I know about these things, really? It's just me spewing gibberish at two in the morning.
I've said what I needed to say on this topic. I'd try not to venture into the matter in the near future. I think I'm better at writing about faggotry. I shall resume to my frivolous and flippant tone in the coming posts.
Thanks for reaching this far in this entry anyhow. You have no idea how it challenged my attention span, bitch.