Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dear Diary

As mentioned in this post, I managed to unearth some old journals I left in Surigao and Manila. Since I arrived back to BangCock I've been reading through them and had been continuously fascinated at how much I discover about myself when I was 14, 17, and so on.

I even ended most of my entries with a prayer to my guardian angel or something and that kept my eyes rolling as I went through the entries.

One particular journal stood out from the bunch though. Written within a span of nearly two and a half years (the first entry was in 2001 and the last was 2003), it covers my post-university days, particularly when I moved to Davao and then when I lived between Cebu and Surigao.

The first part mainly recorded my initial attempt at job-hunting. These were long, idle months, hence, I had the time to write about all the most mundane stuff on earth. And then I eventually found a job, explaining why there was a six-month gap in the entries.

I resumed writing in the journal when I had my first brush with, ehem, love. *Insert "Psycho" music here.* Well, particularly when I was heart-broken, which I touched on in this and this entries. Now this is where things became a bit more cringe-inducing when I read the entries a few days back.

I was YMing with a retired blogger (you know who you are!) about my reaction to the old entries and I told him that the main, BIG realization is: "Damn, the bayot has not changed!".

I was supposed to post here some lines from the journal to prove my point, but I digress. It's revealing way, way too much. I don't want to go into the details either.

Simply put, I could've written the exact entries down to the last word to describe how I felt a year ago, the last time I grieved over losing someone. *Insert "Jaws" music here.* I could even say the same thing for all the three times that I had my heart broken. Now that's a span of like six years, but my style is sooo last, last, last, last season it might as well be vintage. Sigh.

I also happen to have in my hands right now my old love letters with the second guy who broke my heart, and I also have my hidden blog to record the third instance. *Wince, wince, wince while rolling on the floor.* Ok, given these records, I tried to assess my relationship pattern.

And so when I was YMing with Retired Blogger (my personal process queen), I said that there seems to be a trend in my "relationships" (I could not help but put the quotation marks), or at least how they ended.

Without going into specifics, consistently it appears that they're a compendium of me being taken for granted by these men, or not being loved in return, or me not being in their priority list.

Always, and I mean ALWAYS, I just walk away without fuss, knowing very well that I cannot push my self down other people's throat. Begging is definitely out of the question. And well, the post-break-up part is a major story of its own (which I shall write about in the future. That too has a clear pattern.)

I'm curious if indeed it's very difficult to break relationship habits. I haven't talked to that many gay men about their relationship patterns, but I wonder what theirs would be if ever they have one. Or do they even bother to examine their past?

I just happen to obsessively document things, hence, I have something to look back to. But still for most people it would not require a found journal or a secret blog to plot their patterns. Why don't you tell me about yours?

6 comments:

Luis Batchoy said...

hay nako, kainggit ka. ako wala akong disiplina mag journal, na dapat ay ginagawa ng isang seryosong (seryoso daw oh!) writer.

Oh the circles we fall into... The circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!

Was Once said...

That is one reason WHY I never wrote one!
All things pass, and when you read of your heartbreak again you feel it again. Once was enough for me.

burrito said...

after a recent heartbreak, i finally realized that i'm a codependent. i have this messiah complex -- i always fall for guys with complex personal issues. and i agree, people do not change -- only our priorities.

The Zen Bitch said...

sabi nila, when it comes to relationships, many people have the tendency to keep repeating the same mistakes. many people are also creatures of habit so i guess this can also apply to subsequent choices in partners.

however, i think, there are only few of those who examine their histories and look for patterns within seemingly random occurrences. it's a good thing that you have devised (kahit unintentionally) a way for you to do this kind of self-examination/assessment (dear diary).

kasi you have the chance to recognize patterns (as you have already mentioned)and their effects on your emotional well-being, and--possibly--think of ways to address these seemingly recurrent issues and, in the long run, get out of this rut (if i may call it).

la lang (napahaba yata, sori pow) :p

Kiks said...

oh my. i used to have journals too. at walang katuturan lang ang pinagsusulat ko.

pahiram ng journal mo? pwede ba tong hiraman like valentine romances? chos!

as for relationship pattern, it is like having an attitude. it takes years to change it.

hopefully, we learn from our mistakes.

fuchsiaboy said...

naku it means kung pareho ang catharsis mo palagi eh tatlong beses ka na ding nagwala at nag-emote ala nakahandusay sa pader while naaagnas ang make-up mo?

dahling it's so last season ang choices ng men mo kung hahayaan mo lang silang i-neglect ka. why don't you neglect them for a change. and in case you can't break the habit at gawin mo pa rin ang pang-apat na drama. always remember to use waterproof make-up from shu eumura.

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