Prologue: Remember Friendster? (Pause for some cringing.) Don't you think those were rather the dark ages of social networking? But damn, most of us had an account. I haven't opened mine in like a millennium and for some reason I was brave enough to pore through my account a few minutes ago.
After discovering how stupid the site still is (it has even managed to replicate the features of Facebook), I found my old Friendster blog, which I started in 2005 (and ran until 2007). The posts were rambling affairs about my trips and the movies I saw. Also, it has a good number of sensitive explorations of my thoughts and emotions, stuff that I hardly do these days in this current blog.
A few minutes ago, I stumbled into this one particular entry (published 11 November 2005 while I was still living in Davao), which I'm reposting below... just because. (I've tweaked the post a bit for the sake of style and clarity.)
I hope you still remember Thea and LJ the Maton. As mentioned in an entry a few days back, both of them were trying to outdo each other on who's "love life" is more "dramatic" (read: who has more issues that warrant cry-fests in the bathroom). After a couple of hours of histrionics, and perhaps getting bored of listening to themselves, their eyes darted towards me and they asked if I have some "drama" to share . I replied that my "love life" is boring, primarily because I have a non-existent "love life" in the first place.
I realized how I’ve snugged my self in a comfort zone in the past couple of years or so. After two relationships, I seem to have given up on cultivating intimate connections with anyone the way that most straight people (and a lot of gay ones, I noticed) make sense of their emotional dependence. Okay, that last statement was not for all cases and you can consider yours as the exception (the bayot rolls his eyes).
For the past couple of years, I’ve instead adopted the path of "re-virginhood". This has been one of the longest dry spells in my life, with intermittent encounters happening just within the past month. But for about nine months before that, El Nino ravaged like a merciless plague. I almost forgot what IT felt like (now why am I suddenly prudish?). It’s not only sex (there it goes!) I’m talking about though.
I made the choice to stay single because when it comes to relationships I’m not sure if I can handle any complication in my life right now. Maybe it is indeed the comfort zone I'm currently in, one that I cannot bear leaving. As such, I’m staying away from the emotional snags present in every relationship - things not deserving any of my energy.
On the other hand, I've tried thinking of the bright side of being with someone, especially the bliss of a blossoming relationship. I asked my self why I'm allowing such opportunities to pass me by just because I couldn't be bothered with dealing with normal relationship issues.
Someone very honest told me that maybe I’m not the marrying kind. Ay pa-girl. But yes, I'm convinced I may not be a relationship person. Or to be specific, I'm not up for the "drama" in relationships. I remember what a roller coaster ride my two previous relationships were. I don’t want to go through that kind of hell again. Perhaps, I just couldn’t accept that relationships in most cases is one damn roller coaster ride. And damn, how those rides crashed.
Sometimes I wish I could just be a cold-hearted bitch who could hurt one person after another and not look back. I also wish that I could be a cold-hearted bitch who would not mind being trampled on by others. But then that bitch is not me. So I simply choose to avoid situations wherein I could potentially hurt people or let others hurt me.
Is that an appropriate defense mechanism? Maybe it works for now, but in the long-run what could its implications be?
I remember how I admired (and definitely envied) that gay couple I saw last week with Sarah. I’ve also seen so many other gay couples who seem very happy, whose relationships look like it was one ride on endless calm seas. Sometimes I wish I would reach that state with someone as well, even if for sure they have their issues as well.
The pessimist side of me would always jolt me from these stupid wanderings of the mind though. Thus it brings up another question: if the right person comes along, would I always have these walls I have conveniently surrounded my self with, thus losing the possibility of ever loving someone again?
Anyway, I guess I have answer for that. Some people love, some people don’t. Maybe I am just part of the latter.
Now Thea and LJ, if that is not drama, I don’t know how to call it.
Epilogue: Damn, such a cynic I was five years ago, chai mai? Does that mean my views have changed? Let's put it this way... I've considerably mellowed down from that absolute ice queen persona above. What did I know, I was only 25 years old and sorely inexperienced. Since then I've gained insights into how most relationships actually work.
For one, I don't think anymore that people in relationships are just trying to cope with their emotional dependence. Relationships are in fact one of the ways of nurturing another person, to think beyond one's vanity and actually commit to care for someone else.
Which brings me to a very insightful statement my friend said over a glass of Mai Tai last night... that loving an individual (particularly in the context of a romantic relationship) is just an initial step for you in loving humanity.
Meanwhile, in the last five years, it dawned on me that to love and to be in a relationship is an act of courage. Somehow you just cross your fingers that it fucking works or at least you're prepared to get hurt if it doesn't. After all, it is said that if it's not painful then it's not love, bitch.