Thursday, March 15, 2007

So What?

In what could've been my first beer in two months, Sarah, Teng and I had a drinking session at Gateway last night. On my fourth beer, M, a friend from Surigao (who works in Manila now), invited me to Government for the birthday party of his boyfriend's sister. I wonder how I got into the guest list but I rushed home to change anyway because J, a common friend of M and me, was also at the party. (Besides, makapal talaga ang mukha ko for birthdays wherein the birthday celebrator does not even know me at all; ditto for weddings.)

The last time I was in Government (or any gay bar for that matter) was during J's despicable birthday party a couple of months back. So I figured it was time to bring out the boa and parade my skinny ass in the company of other animals of my kind. For a Wednesday evening, Government was overflowing with gays that look like they're all below eighteen. I was expecting (make that hoping) that their moms would pick them up right before midnight.

Finding my self in a gay bar, I'm surprisingly not as edgy as most times. It must've been the four bottles of beer. At least I was pretty relaxed and somehow managed to focus on my "voyeuring".

M introduced me to his boy of the moment (actually seven months na ang mga lola). Immediately after the requisite hello-hellohan, M candidly told me that he and his brother are not in speaking terms ever since his brother knew that M's gay. While his mom (who used to be my teacher in Grade school) seems fine about his coming out, the brother is apparently transfixed on his traditional (and ultimately unjustified) views of gays. Harsh, harsh, harsh! I wish I could've said something better to appease M, but I was simply clueless in those kinds of situations. Was a pout, which in the end was what I mustered, sufficient?

Coincidentally, several days back I was thinking of coming out to my parents as well. We are meeting in Dumaguete a week from now and I thought I should take that opportunity to simply say the obvious. But what for exactly? I'm not quite sure, especially because I have been gay since conception and haven't tried hard to hide it from them.

Ten years ago, when I was about to be shipped to Manila for college, my father talked to me about it. I don't know how to put it, but what he said amounted to something like… "Now that you are on your own, you might want to stop being a faggot. It doesn't look nice." Me: pout. That was the last time these things were discussed. For the first three years of college, I tried "straightening up" for the sake of looking… nice. In my senior year I realized I'm tired of maintaining a stiff wrist and so I pulled out my purple boa.

If and when I come out to my parents, these things can possibly happen: 1) my dad would have another stroke; 2) my mom would say, "pass the salt please"; 3) or they would say… "So, ano ngayon?". I really think coming out to my parents is rather anti-climactic at this point? Or is it simply a need for me to formally assert that "I suck cock, got a problem with that?". Why now? What essentially does it amount to? You, any thoughts?


Islander said...

Im sure they already know about it. The only hesitation for acceptance is about what people who know your family might say. Your parents are prominent personalities in their environment.

Everything has its own time and questions in your mind can be answered in due time.

kawadjan said...

hi jun. thanks for dropping by.

right, in due time.


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