I was walking towards the Rama IX bridge with Heidi yesterday afternoon just as the sun was slowly sliding in the horizon. The mood was pretty melancholic, probably because heavy clouds hovered over the city the entire day. When we reached the bridge we found the swollen river tossed by the chilly breeze and a few men were fishing by the bank.
In the way that most conversations wander, we ended up talking about blogging. I mentioned how my blog does not accurately reflect my feelings any longer. If I look at my entries for the past few months, I could not match my emotional status during that period with the actual mood of my posts. The latter seems whimsical and lighthearted when in fact I went through some major emotional upheavals like I've never experienced in recent years. (I have to mention that I also had a similar conversation with Don and Gibo a few weeks back.)
Some blog authors are very raw and honest about their feelings and experiences whereas some choose to carefully edit their blog content so they only come out with things that they want to "release". At least for me, I only publish the things that I want others to know. I cannot reveal too much coz it's like disrobing in front a crowd of strangers, di va? I suppose that many bloggers would agree that we all project a certain facet of who we are in our blogs but certainly our blogs are not who we entirely are.
Meanwhile, I have attempted several times before to write "emo" posts but I always fail. I'm simply not the type of person who can write my feelings well enough, unlike so many bloggers I know who can do it with amazing precision and poetry. After completing a supposedly emo post, I always find them a bit winding and meaningless, so instead I completely delete the post. Still, if people would read my entries carefully, they would spot a sprinkling of emo revelations between the lines of seeminly innocuous posts. Yes, my blog is still personal, but it cannot be too personal either. Hopefully, I can bring it to that direction when I'm brave enough.
So where does this post lead? I will lead you to the bridge that Heidi and I crossed yesterday. The same bridge is visible from my bedroom window so I pretty much see it every day and in all seasons. We crossed the bridge. Camwhored. Sat in the beautiful park. Had dinner. And crossed back to the other side.
Now that we are talking about emo posts and bridges, I'm reminded that I made bridges with many people as well. Worth mentioning are the ones I built and crossed recently. Some bridges are worth keeping. Some are worth burning because cowardice and pride have weakened them. Some were burned by the other party without any clear explanation given. And some bridges are not built as vanity gets in the way.
So where does this all lead? Nothing in particular in most cases. But sometimes I convince my self to keep trying coz maybe, just maybe, someone worth crossing for is waiting on the other side.
Sometimes I feel like I dont have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in, the city of angel
Lonely as I am, together we cry
I drive on her streets, cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills, cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds, and she kisses me windy
I never worry,now that is a lie
I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way
-- Under the Bridge, Red Hot Chili Peppers