Singular Delusion

I have to give credit to Jericho's post on being single for inspiring me to write this entry.

So here's my take on being single.

For some reason, I recently had similar discussions with many of my gay friends. I wonder why it come up almost constantly as a topic of conversation and I've presented my argument over and over again these past months that I might as well post it here.

Also, it has happened not more than once that when I go MSNing or YMing with my friends in Las Islas Filipinas (you know who you are, bitches), they would pretty much automatically ask me how my "love life" is.

Is it expected that we always have to have a "love life" that they even skip the question if I'm even dating, let alone if I want to be in a relationship at all?

When people know that I've been single for the past five years, I'm often asked if it is by choice or circumstance. I wish I have a more simple answer to that question but it has never been about just one reason.

Sometimes it's exclusively a choice or exclusively because of circumstance, or a combination of both, with one reason stronger than the other. And even that changes over time and I often find my self constantly swinging from one direction to another.

Does that sound a bit complicated? Well, because it truly is.

It would take me days to explain my thoughts on relationships (asus, emote di ba?), but by and large I would classify into the following categories the reasons why I'm not in a relationship right now:

1) Mobility. Most of the time I honestly don't have an idea where I'd find my self within the next two years. And you know what they say, always travel light. With all my shoes, coats, hats, couture gowns, AND toiletries, do you think I still have enough space for a man in my luggage?

2) Priority. Simply, I have better and more immediate things to do. Like, I don't know, knitting, gardening, photo shoots, charity balls, etc. Come to think of it, if I really want a relationship, I would have worked on it with single-mindedness a long time ago. But obviously, I don't want it that bad enough.

3) Lack of suitable men. Am I alone on this impression that the men we have around are just appallingly not trust-worthy? As decent human beings, how difficult is it to be sincere, committed, honest, and genuine? Am I reaching for the stars here? I don't think so. And no, dahling, don't get me started on the men in BangCock.

4) Fear of rejection and pain. Now we all have this, no? But mine is stronger than most people, it seems. I wish I were more daring to jump into a relationship fairly easily but knowing really well what an emotional queen I am, I choose to protect my self from, well... my self! Somebody give me courage. I can handle dry skin very well but definitely not a broken heart. You have no idea.

5) Not so positive view on relationships. I always, always ask my self if these relationships are ever worth it. It is clear that these are not forever, so what is the point exactly of starting one at all? To have at least good memories with someone? Rolls eyes. Because you learn your lessons and you emerge a better person after a relationship? Yeah right.

(At this point, the bayot realizes that this post is long-ish already, which is a real challenge to my lazy, lazy ass.)

So there, that's basically the top five reasons. And looking at it now, I appear selfish, no? But aren't we all?

Anyway, where do I stand right now given these factors? It's basically a confluence of the five but in most of my conversations with my friends, it appears that my fear of rejection and pain is more prominent for now.

Negative self-talk is also taking its toll. Call it pessimism but I think it is just being realistic and pragmatic.

But no, I've not closed my doors to possibilities. Absolutely not. I know I have so much love to give (asus!!!) and with all objectivity, I'm fairly easy to tolerate (ask my mom), but really, just show me a person worth werqing for and let's talk business.

For the mean time, I'm very much happy baking sugar-free cookies.